Horoscopes, Baby
These were channeled via voice recording into my phone so if they don't make sense, picture me making a fool of myself....but they're still legit.
Aries
Do you know the spinning tea cups at carnivals? Honestly, you’re like Leo a spinning tea cups. A little bit like the drunk popular girls knowing you are first! You are first! You are first in the zodiac. You always like to remind me of that—- that being said it’s all about this week for you. It’s about working on first and you can be like “hey Heather I don’t do anything for living but work at home making Culturally inappropriate dreamcatchers for craft stores” and I would still say be number one in whatever the thing is that you do. This is your week to maintain self status. Doesn’t have to be out in the world, but SELF status.
Taurus
You know how they always say that Tauruses always relate to like the grounding and eating? You enjoy the sensuality of things. This week is all about the gut so I would go for softer warmer foods. I would go for things that are not emotionally grueling. Even though you are the more mellow and the more stubborn in a healthy way sign of the zodiac, you do like a bit of tea and you like causing a bit of tea so no tea and no coffee Yes to a lot of water a lot of warm baths.
Gemini
You do enjoy your reputation don’t you? Lucky for you. You’re always completely charming as well even when you’re throwing emotional bodies off the side of the metaphorical boat. Keep this all in mind because this week if you’ve got a long lost ex, they’re probably coming back. There’s a lot of unearthing old stuff this week. Be prepared not to think you’re already over it, but to approach it with fresh eyes to make sure you don’t have any dust bunnies in the back of the emotional closet.
Cancer
Hard to admit when you’re wrong. It’s also hard to admit when you’re right because you have the side of you that wants to make everybody feel OK but at the same time wants everyone to know that you are the one making them feel safe. It’s like your personal currency you think you can make money from. Crabs know what I’m talking about. Find humility this week. A lot of people will be very thankful and ready to support you in whatever your next endeavor is. That’s how short the line is from A to B.
Leo
I hope you like maps. I hope you like globes. I hope you like a Sexton. I hope you like to read the stars, but not like this kind of thing but like some thing more that’s gonna get you across the rest of the world this week. Your world gets a lot bigger. If you are feeling stuck, stop putting up walls. If there is someplace you’re invited to now is your time to go. If you’re afraid of seeing the rest of the world lean into the fear, you only have to go block at a time a mile at a time. This equates into really looking at your prejudices and getting rid of them for real.
Virgo
This week still looks like this last month. It’s just been a time of getting rid of anything that does not serve you. It’s not an ego thing like serve, obey, blah blah blah, but it really is a time of going through your life with a fine tooth comb and making sure that what’s left is quality healthy head of hair, a good coif, that thing that makes you feel really good is the only thing that should remain. And happy birthday.
Libra
I know you try and try and try and try and try and yet everyone is still wildly attracted to you and wants you to be their partner. People don’t understand how hard that is this week on being your own partner. It’s a week in which you really need to have the clearest vision and not anybody else’s influences. I don’t care how supportive and loving and fabulous they are. Dig deep into your own education and dig deep into your own knowing that works for you. Also double up on the protein this week. I don’t know why but that’s what they just told me.
Scorpio
There’s a lot of very intense but energy going on with you right now. You could balance it out by getting into things like flower arranging or mastering Jell-O molds or even bringing back pantyhose into fashion but it’s also OK to lean into it and learn how to make this more aggressive, more masculine energy, good and clean and understanding.
Sagittarius
When I was a chef, there were moments in which I met other chefs and I could not understand their cuisine. Didn’t mean that they were lesser skilled. Did it mean different taste? Could be, but I see this dynamic it when you stroll across other Sagittarius is this week you’re not gonna understand what you have in common and that goes for other things the same as other people. Astrological sign, family members, common business goal. Sit back and accept this week. Things are gonna be like you have beer goggles on your mind this week. Just enjoy the trip and don’t carry it around.
Capricorn
Bring back the Art of building ships and bottles. I mean, I don’t see why but if anyone could it is you and it is this week. The minut details you will have a mastery of this week. You’re gonna make Virgos look like Pig Pen from the Peanuts. Embrace things that demand specific goals and precise details. By the way this all equals success strangely enough.
Aquarius
Prepare for the best goddamn things to happen. Pack a go bag with your favorite movie candy and bath bombs. Make sure you have beach gear in the trunk of your car at all times. Both a cocktail dress, a tuxedo and a giant Jenga set. This week spurs very creative ideas of the people around you. Be surrounded by the fantastical. Please don’t let common sense get in the way.
Pisces
If you quit your career and became a cross country 18 wheeler trucker, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least bit. A decent income, sense of the open road and being in touch with your own strength is what this week is all about. Now what that looks like for you maybe radically different but go do the one very common thing you’ve always wanted to try or at least dip your toe in it. Your presence is requested.