Horoscopes for a weird VDay

With food recos....according to the stars I don't read, of course.

ARIES

Now is not the time to cover up something you don’t want to do with a good time. Instead make the thing you’re putting off a good time. It’s a bit of a fake-it-til-you-make-it kind of moment but your usual “If I throw a party things will get better” plan isn’t for now. Your extraordinary way of moving energy must be applied to the things you foolishly apply dread to. Also, make cupcakes.

TAURUS

You have an uncanny way of giving the impression you’re completely in control when really you’re spinning way out of bounds. You should be feeling a real sense of relief this week so if you’re not, see if you’re spinning. I know there’s a lot to spin about especially since you love a calm controlled environment but be away of your internal clock. There’s something about your timing—-be it sleep or eating—that’s affecting your nervous system. If you’re born in the 70s or earlier, you may have a hankering for an ice cold Tab. All of y’all should stay away from Red Bull.

GEMINI

This week you’re a goddamn kitten. It’s that side to you that you assume everyone can see (“why isn’t everyone trying to make me purr and tell me how cute I am?”) but really you keep it close to the vest because you feel quite comfortable with the Tasmanian devil image. Alas, you have the ability to keep calm in chaos because of this devil but the kitten is here to play and be treasured. Just make sure you communicate the feline needs (you can be a puppy or whatever you connect with) and don’t pout. Get really good at making hummus.

CANCER

Oy! The lament of the those around you! And yet, aren’t we all just mirrors for ourselves? Cancer, I need—-nee we all need—-for you to feel your power this week. We need to you practice what you preach. We need you to use your claws for good. You’ve been a bit lazy with the excuse that you’re a homebody but really now, ITS TIME FOR YOU TO DO SOMETHING. Something that makes a wave. Something that tells people what you really stand for not just what you want them to think of you. Fried smelts and homemade tartar sauce.

LEO

Financial prowess. Save it. Sit on money like it’s your throne—-I know you’re good at throne activities. Now is not the time to invest in anything someone else says is great. Hold your cards close to the vest. Lots of people will want to make themselves feel better by getting your approval or getting you in on a project. Let those people go. Economize. Both your energy and your resources (money, clothes, your creativity). A burger (of choice) wrapped in a lettuce leaf with sriracha/kewpie mayo.

VIRGO

That constant awareness you’ve been blessed/cursed with seems like a great thing right now and it in fact is but get some rest. Put down your bail of wheat, lady. Let your brain rest so you can replenish all of your creativity and clarity. Emphasis on clarity. Be kind to yourself and get basic. No bells and whistles. You’re known for being logical but your inner freak loves accessories. Let them rest right now. Try a Japanese water cake OR a pile of ribs.

LIBRA

I know it’s a hot date night kind of energy all the time these days. Usually this is attached to fun and hot frolicking BUT now it’s attached to leadership, baby. Use that Libra charisma to bully the bullies and create better standards. There’s no complaining this week, just changing. Do the thing. You’ve got real community leader type energy under your hood. Order yourself an affogato.

SCORPIO

Usually I’d never think this of you but honestly, it’s okay to blame it on the other guy if it’s legit. You have the kind of smooth disposition that could get you the job of writing The Ethicisist Column in the New York Times but considering a) you might be giving all major media the famous Scorp side eye right now and b) it’s okay to be a little bit sloppy. It’s okay to be a mess and to give an honest “I didn’t do it, that idiot did”. Why? Because you’re revving up for big spring with the need for more honesty and less mystery. It’s an adjustment. Have a grilled cheese at a diner but only if the tomato soup is good.

SAGITTARIUS

Big gestures are great but this week start thinking small. Small gifts, silly private jokes, an extra donut, play their favorite song on the jukebox in the dive bar, text the old photo to that person you haven’t seen. It’s important for you to narrow in on the small feel-goods. The pay back will be enormous and it will remind you of how tender you can be——it’s been a minute. Also, there are some people than need to be reminded of you in general. Sound harsh, it’s not. Life is busy and overwhelming. Small is the new black. Petite four and cucumber sandwiches but really cake scraps will do.

CAPRICORN

Diagonal. Diabolical. Diabolo. Are you getting me? It’s all about things that come out of nowhere. Out of left field crashing down on your cousins gender reveal party. In other words, good destruction. Remember to sit back and observe before reacting. Make sure you’re in the present, not thinking ahead on how to make the pink cake still be surprise after the ceiling caved in. Who has that party anyway? Be not just the calm in the storm but the party in the disaster. Be the one who orders the saving grace pizzas. Rainbow cookies from an Italian Bakery.

AQUARIUS

Being so otherworldly as a sign (I know you felt that “aliens are in the ocean” news in your tummy) it might surprise you to know that the word RAVENOUS comes up for you in a big, ravenous way this week. The hunger of a thousand Taurus’ I’d say. What’s so good about this with your impeccable styling and planetary airs? Well, you get to grab what you know you deserve. It gets a little tiring waiting for you to go out and take what’s yours considering your style falls under “I know I deserve the best”. Be your own best advocate, grow up and forget where you came from. You are here now. New York City pizza with a small soda you’d never allow yourself at any other time.

PISCES

The first person I ever knew to carry a pew pew was a Pisces. Surprising right? They weren’t in law enforcement or the armed services. They just owned a liquor store in a shady neighborhood in the 70s. Pisces, it’s that part of your DNA that it’s time to tap. Don’t go and do anything nuts but do get logical/rational/grounded about your stuff….your home, your people. Protect ahead of time. I know I’ve called you the emo pixie love child of the zodiac but pixies have sharp teeth. Korean BBQ meatballs for the soul.

Thank you for coming to my astrological TEDTalk. See you next week!