Horoscopes keep horoscopin'.

Someone's gotta do it.

ARIES

Concentrate. Master everything as you go. You don’t have to be masterful in the moment but the intention to a master is important this week. Be the teacher and the student. Walk in with the confidence of 10 Keanu Reeves at a Tupperware convention but have the dewy openness of Shirley Temple. Also, watch anything that causes phlegm. Dairy, allergies, getting together with a bad ex.

Your card: Temperence

TAURUS

Hi Daddy. It’s that time. Invest, build stuff, keep butterscotch candies in your cardigan pocket. Feel your feet in the earth. I’m not one much for gender roles so remember, it’s whatever you imagine this figure to be. Be solid in your community this week. Show up on time. Remember a birthday. Always happen to have bail money.

Your card: King of Pentacles.

GEMINI:

Careful, you beauty. This is the time to watch yourself and see what you distract yourself with to cover shit up. You may have the tendency this week to expect too much from others to make yourself feel good…..well, not so much good but better. Have some real tenderness for yourself this week in order to cure this.

Your card: Judgement reversed

CANCER

GURL. If you are feeling needy and not yourself SHUT THAT DOWN. Be bold. Be forward. See that person in person. Say the thing. Stop the self inflicted nervousness. Also, that thing (literal thing) you have that takes your attention away from important things….it will still be there when you take a minute to deal with your inner stuff. Big groovy heart stuff is sitting around unhealed and it’s time to take care of it so you can be ready for next week.

Your card: Knight of Pentacles reversed

LEO

Sure, things move and stretch and go in all direction but baby it’s looking like it’s in your favor. Sure there will be challenges but this week you are up to it enough to not even think it a challenge. Know that it’s all good. Also, not bad to fake it till you make it. You, after all, are the best at that.

Your card: Wheel of Fortune

VIRGO

On a good day, nee a great day, you can be guarded. Just make sure you’re not acting catty this week. Don’t assume you know what’s going to happen. This is the week to SURRENDER. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for the rest of us. PAH-LEEZE. On another note, your sense of humor is on fire this week. Go figure.

Your card: Paige of Wands reversed

Photomontage illustration from 'Aveux non Avenus' [Disavowed Confessions] by Claude Cahun

LIBRA

DO THE THING. Take the step. Demand the truth (you can take it). Pretend nothing bad ever happens before you walk through the door. The world is your oyster. Now is the point in which you roll your eyes at me and then pretend not to believe me. I see you.

Your card: The Fool

SCORPIO

If it’s not working for you, this is the week that it’s gonna crumble. Ooo-wee. Full on plotz. You’ll hate the mess but the relief will be HUGE.

Your card: The Tower (shocking to no one)

SAGITTARIUS

I hope you’re not hanging out with too many Scorpios cuz they’re gonna be PISSED. This is your time for such wonderful alignment IF YOU TRULY WANT IT. I wouldn’t walk around saying “Heather said so so WTF???” It’s more of moving with the current and going like water. If you get uncomfortable, make sure you don’t blame others as easy as it might be. This week you could convince yourself of a lot.

Your card: The Star

CAPRICORN

Interaction. Lively debate. Deep conversations and witty banter. This week please remember humans need to convene. Let yourself be a human animal. Both speak and listen. Do the good gestures you think of. Send postcards.

Your card: Five of Wands

AQUARIUS

Here is your mantra: Everything good that has ever happened to you is still attached to you. There is magic and surprises and good things if you take your aquarian blinders off. I won’t use “gratitude’ but I will recommend “appreciate”. End the grey days because you decided it. Use your intergalactic power. Now.

Your card: Page of Pentacles reversed

PISCES

You want to save money on therapy? This week make all the apologies, amends, whatever. It’s not your week to be petty. I know it’s your season but it’s also your time to swim UP STREAM, kiddo. Put some big adult pants on. This comes up mostly because we’re going to need all those back of your brain guilt pellets you hold onto to be gone for the rest of the year. This is prep for good work to do.

Your card: Two of Wands.

Thanks for coming to my astrological TedTalk! See you next week!