Horoscopes that yell "Hold tight, it's all coming up"

Let's just pour hydrogen peroxide over everything and watch it bubble.

I don’t love a blanket reading but whoa, please read your horoscope and then add at the end a moment to think of what muck is in your life, what is bringing you down, what doesn’t work for you anymore and get the fuck rid of it. It’s time to clean house. It’s also time to clean off the bones of the skeleton in the back of your closet and make best friends with it.

** Also, behind the dreaded paywall I’m giving recorded additions to the written horoscopes here.

Here’s your new best friend.

ARIES

It’s so you right now. Wild, out in the open, free to create and free to burn bridges all for the high of the moment. This isn’t completely bad. Sometimes we need to rejoice in the burning of emotional bridges because you couldn’t do it before. Holier than thou never suited you and let’s face it, burning something is purification. A candle, a bayleaf, a little garlic in butter for your gnocci. Be kind to the impulsive Aries instincts. They serve us all well right now.

TAURUS

Can we please talk about your stubbornness at all costs? Cuz sometimes it’s great. You can get out of healthcare charges with your appeals and you can stand up for your loved ones like no one else. But whoa, this week it’s getting in your way of happiness. It’s getting in your way of love. Real love. Love with friendship. Love with community. Love with self. Please walk into the world with more sense of possibility.

GEMINI

Considering the bad reputation you twins get you’ve sure been doing well lately! Kind of golden in the stars, you know? This week please tend to the small details that need care. Moments between people. The repair person that should be called. Make an appointment with the derm about that spot on your shoulder. Housekeeping please. Things that get ignored today can blow up tomorrow with the monorail energy barreling through for you in the next couple of weeks.

CANCER

If there was ever time for apologies, now is the time. ALSO PLEASE TEND TO HEALTH. Not just getting your steps in, but hearing aids, adjust the meds, have a massage to get some info you’re out of touch with (as in someone else who is better informed getting their hands literally on you). Heal all the skeletons. I mean, you love your skeleton. You actually WEAR IT ON THE OUTSIDE.

LEO

Trying to make this as soft a landing as possible. This week might be a bit tough and tender. You have so much to look forward to but your big soft paws are about to get in the way. Let’s not lash out. Let’s not get defensive. You’ll feel bad faster than you feel validated. Move slow this week on all decisions—-if they need to be made right away, take a breath, excuse yourself, lock yourself in the bathroom and have a talk with the hand towels about it. The way you position yourself in public is the way you need to do the run-though before seeing people.

VIRGO

Good god, you’re exhausting. The mind NEVER STOPS. The self punishment for lack of paperwork or posts or not grocery shopping or forgetting to organize your bra drawer is SO MUCH. Step off, please. You have the capacity to drag everyone down with you. Holy hell, you crazy broad, sit in your rising sign and go on vacation. Let yourself glow again.

LIBRA

Shiny fancy libra, this week is more about leather chaps. Gardening gloves and practical boots. It’s about getting the work done. If it’s in the house or the foundation to your business, please approach it as the adult that you are. No one can tell you “NO” unless you agree to it. Now repeat that 12 or 13 times.

SCORPIO

Everything that never didn’t fit is going to scream into your face this week. This time, listen. It could even be a family member. It could be a septum piercing. It could be your career. It could be anything. LIS-(T)EN TO IT. No amount of charm or ignorance can make it work. Let it go. That heartburn will actually be gone.

SAGITTARIUS

Forego anything too frivolous this week. I know frivolity is not exactly you on any given day and that shouldn’t be too hard it seems but right now there’s a tendency spend a little more, indulge a bit more, add fringe to things that really don’t need them and over all spend like someone on their period who gets home and can’t figure out why they bought the turquoise cowboy boots with “Ride Sally Ride” emblazoned on the side. No, this doesn’t pertain to those who attend Thursday queer night line dancing. I don’t want you not to think big. Au contraire. Think big but not shallow. When the time is right, all debts will be paid in full.

CAPRICORN

Girl. How are you these days? Check in deeply. It’s not easy being the rule maker of the zodiac. Hard working and fierce. This week, focus in on the soft white underbelly of your hard head and spine of steel. Also, don’t go by the rules. Fight for what is right. Make your own rules. Correct the course.

AQUARIUS

Go by the moons. You’re accused of living in the sky much of the time anyway but this week and much of the month, go with the moons. You are so keyed in right now to all things celestial, that if it started raining you might just get misty. This is beneficial right now for you, my water bearer. It will be the one very reliable thing in a long line of “Well that’s a bit more organic/unreliable than I thought it would be” so look to the stars and less to the ground.

PISCES

All your wild rides and weird journeys can finally culminate this week. There are a lot of answers of why you’ve done things or why they’ve happened to you. So many answers this week are coming, I’d advise you to talk to your dead people. Ask them for what you need and what’s next. It’s both a time of taking stock and starting to plan the next thing.

THE FOLLOWING, BEHIND-THE-PAYWALL STUFF IS VOICE RECORDED EXPANDED HOROSCOPES. I READ WHATS ABOVE AND GIVE MORE.

Thank you for coming to my astrological TedTalk! See you next week or behind the paywall. xox H