Horoscopes to keep you from drunk texting the ex

or to get you to laugh at doing so if you've already done it.

Just so you know I pulled the 10 of wands reversed for this channeling. Which means: indicating a need to prioritize, a lack of perspective and the need for a more balanced approach to your current situation. In other words, if you’re texting the ex (whatever that might mean to you) move FORWARD instead. No old jobs, no old habits.

ARIES

You crazy fun people are also some kind of perfectionists in the way of love and BABY PLEASE BABY stop that. Perfectionism, though it feels mighty in the moment, is the fastest way to failure especially when dealing with another human. Be outlandish, be a dumpster fire, be the drunk prom girl but don’t start demanding perfection.

Your card: Knight of Pentacles reversed

TAURUS

If this isn’t your time, I don’t know what is. This week allows a lot of things to come into the light. It’s a time of fulfillment, contentment and attainment of desire. DESIRE! You fun bulls love desire! Especially when the door bell rings and there’s the Uber Eats person standing there with a bag of it. Now, if you allow it—-and your stubbornness could easily get in the way of all that you want, it’s a big time of finally feeling sated.

Your card: Nine of Cups

GEMINI

Oh twins, it’s time to tackle your community this week. Give of resources and accept them as well. It’s a time of looking around your environment and deciding what needs work. Are you not accessible to others? Are you too accessible? Are you realizing that your home needs some love or have you been ignoring your bffs? Give a bit more. To yourself and others.

Your card: Six of Pentacles

CANCER

Oh sweet crab, give it up. Your control is in need of release. Especially now when you’re jonesing for movement and action. You can’t have the funnest time at the amusement park when your claws are holding tight to everything you think you might want. Release. Relax. Spend time with friends who can show you this example.

Your card: The Hanged Man reversed

LEO

Leo, Leo, Leo. This week is about LOVE. Like LERV kind of love. It’s about honesty and vulnerability. Someone, you or them, is coming clean and it’s not unlike an emotional colonic. Be cautious. This kind of time can easily feel like a high and then hit your soft white underbelly. Be kind to you and handle them with a kid glove. Note: This love is not just romantic. It’s friendship. It’s family. It’s the nitty grity.

Your card: Seven of Swords reversed

VIRGO

Funny this should also bring love into the reading. Virgos can be vibrant and passionate. They can bring a confident approach to relationships. This week Virgos can easily make a connection with someone who shares this trait. It’s not a time of opposites attract. It’s a time of who can keep up with you. Who is a sharp as you? Who will not drag you down when the blush is off the rose and they’re tired but you’ve just started the next adventure?

Your card: Queen of Wands

This is right about how we’re holding it together right now. Photo: Myrna Suarez

LIBRA

With your flirting, cuddly ways you are also the right on track for Master of Industry this week. Good luck, being in the right place/right time (even if you can’t see it) and a specific inner harmony is yours this week. One thing: watch your biggest organ: your skin. There’s a sensitivity that you’re conducive to right now that’s somewhere between your nervous system and your digestive system. Warm, soothing liquids please.

Your card: The Sun

SCORPIO

New, new, new! I know! You’ll tell me to go F myself sooner than you’ll accept this but new is the thing. A new energy in an old relationship or just someone ready to spread some sunshine into your old dusty heart. Also, say yes to random opportunities. Whatever it is. You won’t end up somewhere you don’t want to be. If it’s not for you, the fates are watching.

Your card: The Ace of Cups

SAGITTARIUS

Please forgive yourself, love yourself and be soft. Please understand that setbacks are only that because we name them that. Not all energy has to charge ahead. There are speed bumps and miscommunications this week BUT you’re in the express lane for resolve. Things happen and boom, they’re resolved. There may be more than one of these moments but it’s some real learning right now.

Your card: Five of Cups reversed

CAPRICORN

Space baby. Someone needs it. You, them, the dog, the hamster. This week is about room to grow. Be it work, home, love or even school. It’s time to embrace all of the possibilities. Also, if you’ve ever thought about poetry, this week is a time to write it, read it, create it.

Your card: Eight of Cups

AQUARIUS

When they go low, you can leave the room. Equally, when they go low, you can cut them off forever or make it seem like forever. If there are dirty dealings this week you may be tempted to learn their language to try to win them over. It’s not the time for that. It’s time to leave well enough alone and decide you’ll never learn that language. You’ll thank me later,

Your card: The Chariot

PISCES

If you’re feeling like you’re in an alternative universe right now, I’m so not surprised. The work WONKY came up first. It’s a time of off timelines and missed connections. It’s best to laugh right now. It will work itself out and the universe that governs you fishes will get the duvet cover back on eventually. Right now, settle for what you know and enjoy the show.

Your card: The Lovers reversed.

Thanks for coming to my astrological TedTalk and I’ll see you next week!

xo HC